I was confident when I prayed God heard me. I was someone who had experienced miracles in my life. I believed in a God that was totally good. My relationship with Jesus, was healthy and strong, despite the trial our family has been experiencing for over 3 years. Although God didn’t speak a lot to me during that time I was still comforted by reading his word, going regularly to church to worship him, watching and waiting for a miracle healing, or a promise in my spirit that our marriage and our family would survive the onslaught of the enemy, hell bent on destroying all my husband and I had worked so hard for. We ministered to people with love having a passionate desire for people to know and experience God’s healing power, and be set free from drugs and addictions. I read books they are still spilling over my cane book shelf. They are waiting in little piles in bags, and I am half way through some which I have put down weary and disillusioned, as I ask myself what is the point if God has stopped listening. Tragedy came into our home, into the lives of my children and my grand children, and it was as destructive as a fire burning down all that was precious, and good leaving us in shock and disbelief.
I got the phone call, the verdict was in. It wasn’t my husband’s voice I heard, but it was a woman, she sounded strong and steady, and then it became clear it was the Lawyer speaking, giving me the news I didn’t want to hear.
I wasn’t alone, but there was no one of my family to hold my hand, to catch me if I fell, but God had put an angel by my side, and her arms were full of love. It didn’t stop the utter hopelessness, and searing sense of pain and loss and then when I uttered the words to my husband I simply said “come home.”
In the next breath I was screaming, and the screaming went on for as long as I had voice. The arms around me held me tight and the angel never said a word for she knew I needed the silence.
Thoughts came racing in my mind of ambulances, the hospital, the worst panic attack I ever experienced, or would it be a heart attack from the shock. I straightened up, just trying to make an effort, but everything that I knew and loved, had changed forever with the words” Guilty”.
The last of my innocence of things too terrible to mention, were now the topic of conversation. There was no where to hide, no where to run. I turned to the brandy and coke being offered and I drank it down, not much caring if it was the last drink I had. I stared into my husband’s eyes and his face was still a calm reminder he hadn’t given up. The fight had just begun.
It’s been 5 months since he left me, but we are very much held by prayer and love. There are people believing for us, and God is still in control. Kindness has been plentiful, and people who we ministered to once are ministering to us. I have had to learn fast to swim, and mostly I keep my head above water. There are days however when I have to fight hard to function and live. I have never stopped loving my husband but I do believe I put him before God, as he became my soul mate. C.S.Lewis wrote the book “A grief Observed”when his wife died from cancer. He experienced some of the things I think about and feel. I truly want a closer relationship with God, but I don’t know where to find him right now, and I am dismayed that my faith is still recovering and weak. What I notice more is the little child with in me is still crying, still bleeding, and most of those I know and love have no idea of the pain of the false accusations towards myself and my intentions.
God gives me grace every day, and for that I am truly grateful that no matter what may happen in this life, somehow he still upholds me in his hands.
